Our Beloved Prophet Tammuz S. Monsterson

Common Misconceptions about Martianism.

1) Martians are space Johos.

This is simply not the case at all, space Johos are a stupid cult/poo-poo religion, and only have any success converting anyone when they attach a space brain-sucker-leach to their head. Space Johos don’t believe in the Gods, and they don’t have the Book of Martian.

2) The Book of Martian is just nonsense.

Again, not the case; The Book of Martian is the only perfectly correct book in existence. It contains the fullness of all knowledge in the universe, and because of this many portions are written in a highly sophisticated code to keep that knowledge out of the wrong hands. Why do you think that heathen-gentile scientists read it in secret? Would they waste their time with it if it was nonsense? They are trying to steal the secrets, and it is frustrating, but sometimes they are successful and use it to make inventions. This is one of the strongest evidences of the Book of Martian.

3) Martianism is Specist.

If this was the case would we spend so much time trying to convert heathen-gentiles of different species? Martianism is an interstellar, indeed intergalactic, religion and is open to all sentient beings, organic OR synthetic. One of the reasons that some call the Church specist is because of sometimes misunderstood passages in the Book of Martian about the apostate brothers of Nelph being cursed with green skin. But what they err upon is that the descendents of the brothers of Nelph were promised that if they repented and followed the Prophets they would bare white-skinned human children. Thus it is a teaching of the unity of all species. Another thing that is sometimes held against the Church is that some of the statements made by earlier Prophets can be taken out of context to mean that they were anti-reptilian. Their comments have to be taken in the context of their time. Many humans held anti-reptilian feelings during the beginning of the space era, and really there were no revelations from the Grand High Council of the Gods about the subject, it was sort of just the personal opinions of some of the Gods. Sometimes too Prophets speak as the mouthpiece of the Gods and other times just as themselves. That is why we need continuing Prophet guidance, to help us re-read the older Prophets writings in the light of modern Prophetic teaching. Basically, all you need to do is follow the current Prophet, as long as you are doing that you won’t be held accountable for any mistakes he might hypothetically make. But the truth is that he can’t make mistakes or else the Gods would remove him from his position by killing him. That is what determines the timing of the prophet’s death sometimes, is that if the Gods know he is about to make a mistake, they just kill him before he does.

4) The Prophets make mistakes.

They don’t make mistakes; See above.

5) There is no evidence of Martianism.

This is a really stupid misconception. There is a ton of evidence for Martianism. For example: the Book of Martian tells us it is true… BLAM! Martianism is true. The End, AMEN. But if you wanted more evidence than that, just look at the Prophets, they talk to the Gods all the time, and the Gods tell them that Martianism is correct… BLAM! Martianism is correct! Want more!? I could go on all day with flawless proof of Martianism. But the best way to know the truth of Martianism is to just ask any Member of the Church to tell you if it is true or not, they should know since they are in it. They’ll tell you it is (unless they are apostates)! BLAM! AMEN! Like I say, it’s true, don’t fight it, I mean come on, why would you want to fight the will of the Gods anyway?

6) The Secret Martian Rituals involve human sacrifice.

This is a rather complex topic to try to address, since we Martian Church Members who have received either S.M.R Express© or S.M.R3.0© are under a strict unbreakable penalty-oath to reveal neither part nor portion of the ritual to anyone, organic or synthetic. But what we can say is that this concern typically is based on some of the teachings and policies of the former Prophet Gorgon the Wrinkly, which turned out later to be only a test of the faithfulness of the Martian Saints to see if they would do anything that the Gods asked them to do.

7) Martianism might be ok, but it’s definitely not for me.

Not true. Martianism is for everyone. And if you don’t join the Gods will pünish you.

Happiness precedes the pünishment.

Many Heathen-gentile-beasts say “I’m happy with my beliefs” when we tell them they need to hear the Missionary Lessons. Why would they say such an absurd thing? Why would you be happy with your filthy and false beliefs!? If I was not member of the Martian Church I would live in constant dread of the pünishment that would befall me for not believing in Martianism and trying to find happiness in Gentilism.

The Great Prophet explained the reason why the Gods’ pünishment of nonbelievers is so fierce; “Verily there is a pünishment that is affixed in opposition to the happiness, yea as a balance to maintain the order of the Gods. For many are those who would gain happiness through abomination, and joy through worldliness. Therefore it is meet that the Gods would pünish them for their happiness, yea, even so ye may know that when you chance upon a happy heathen-gentile ye may know his pünishment is sure and dreadful, lo even unto the doom of the darkness and gnashing of the bad-place which is likened unto an everlasting lava pit of doom. Pity the heathen-gentiles, nurture them with the good faith, expose yourselves to them spiritually, and save their souls from the pünishment laid in store for them.”

This is why your personal happiness is not a measure of your correctness before the Gods! Neither is so called “logic” or “reason,” as these are tricks used by the Satan-Sneakafüsse© who does plant such ideas of happiness into the hearts of many with sin and that which is abominable unto the Gods.

The Gods have the fullness of knowledge, and when we die they will explain fully all the things that we do not understand, we must not think we can have a full understanding of things the way they are while we are mortals! We must simply have faith in the words of the Prophets and wait until we die.

I laugh at the so called “science” of the heathen-gentiles, they will never come close to a true understanding of reality. Why do you think so many of them are unbelievers? That proves that they are wrong, and in fact they are deceivers! Because they secretly study from the Book of Martian and steal from the coded portions for their “inventions” and then try and claim the credit for there abominable heathen-gentile scientism. This was proven by a great Martian researcher-investigator when he showed that the lines of code used to program computers and robots appears like unto gibberish just like the coded portions of the Book of Martian appear to be gibberish! How can anyone not see the truth of Martianism!? It is so plain! The Gods must have a special pünishment laid up in store for the heathen-gentile scientist-deceivers, for they are a great hindrance to the work of the Gods.

The Holiness and Sacredness of Music

Slim Greens is probably the most famous Glonk who considered joining the Martian Church. He is really popular on his home planet, and his music is considered to be marginally good by some music critics. The Martian Missionaries intend to convert him no matter what! By word, or by zword if necessary. If Slim Greens was a member would you be interested in joining the Church then?

If you enjoy music you would definitely enjoy going to the Martian Church. We play music and sing for part of our meetings. Martian Church music is unanimously considered to be the best music in the universe. It has been known to move people to tears. The singing of our choir is like a harem of angelic beings and will lift your mind/soul/program to new euphoric heights. The emotional power of the sacerdotal services will take you to depths of guilt-trance that you have never experienced before, and make you a better person for getting rid of your sin burdens.

Music is likened unto a prayer unto the Gods. That is why it is so important to only listen to Martian Church music. Because, would you want to pray the filthy lyrics of your favorite gentile-heathen-songs to the Gods? If you were talking to a being of such glorified holiness and purity that he made you feel guilty for just being organic and mortal (or synthetic and oily/dirty) would you want to talk to him about the filth of the world like drugs, reproduction, memetics or violence? Hopefully that would make you feel so ashamed that you would want to throw yourself into the oblivion of a Black-Hole! The pünishment of the Nizlak-worm’s entrails would be like sweet paradise compared to the humiliating horror and despair you would experience if the Gods came down and you were listening to anything but Martian Church hymns. Just imagine that guilt and shame you would feel in the presence of the Gods and plant it like a seed in your mind, water it, dung it and tend it carefully, make sure it gets plenty of sunlight and make sure no bugs eat it and no other plant-ideas choke it out.

If this completely true and correct information has had any effect on your hard heart/oil pump then we want you to know that the Gods want you to be happy. The joy that they want to give to you can only be received if you obey the Prophets, repent of your sins, be babtized, and pay your tithing. The joy of perfect obedience to the Prophets is actually so great that you cannot receive it in mortality; it would make your brain/circuits explode! That is why the Gods hold the joy in a special lock-box up in the Martian Heavens, so that after you die and are immortal they can give it to you! The Gods’ plan is perfect and they have thought of everything! Isn’t that awesome!? So the promise is sure that if you obey the prophets perfectly you can trust that you will get the joy after you die.

We hope that you will come and join in the chorus of our loving and accepting fellowship and enjoy the full blessings that Martianism has to offer you. These things I say unto you, Amen.

May the Holy Martian Saints bless you all.

The Gods say unto you "Teach ye Our GoodSpell©"

We members of The Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated© are under a strict commandment from the Gods to actively seek out and indoctrinate the Heathen-Gentile-Beasts. Whenever someone looks us in the eye we should take the opportunity to missionatize them, and we should expose ourselves to them spiritually, letting them know of our vibrant faith in the Martian Church.

If you are one of the faithful who obeys the commandment to always carry a copy of the Book of Martian with you, you should always carry it in the open, preferably reading it, so that you can be as a sign of faith to those around you, and always be ready to preach to the unbeliever-beasts. The Prophets have promised us that if we read the Book of Martian at all times no matter what else we are doing; walking, flying, operating machinery, performing medical operations; as long as we are reading with true intent, we will be protected and whatever else we are doing will be successful. What an amazing promise!

After the Elder Martian Saint-Prophet Nelph arrived on the Promised Planet of Mars and he found none there to be proselyted he exclaimed "Oh, wretched Organic-Human-Ape-Creature that I am! For while I have been commanded to preach, smite and babtize the inhabitants of this Promised Planet, lo, verily there are none here for me to do so with. Verily I am cursed of the Gods. Mine sins must have been before their many eyes/optical receptors, for they have seen fit to give me a commandment that I cannot yet fulfill. I know that mine brotheren have gone outside of the walls of our Holy Dome and have been cursed with the sore cursing of green skin, but I am even more cursed because I cannot preachify to any but these rocks. Would that the Gods would make these rocks to become quickened and sentient that I might convert them to the GoodSpell, then I might receive the rest to my soul that I seek for these many years."

Of course Nelph's prayer truly was heard of the Gods and he was able to teach to many of the robot-probes that he found, and he received a testimony that his preaching was heard of them, that the Robot-Probes did indeed believe in his words, and that his efforts were acceptable to the Gods.

Why can't we all demonstrate the faith of Nelph? Why is it that even though we are so blessed as to live around other sentient beings we feel uncomfortable with exposing ourselves to them spiritually? Do we not believe in the words of St. Slimert the Wise who said "Verily I say unto you, #badagat^*-zing-#^<.>~woobie~`'badagada/balagat**-_-_+, and also wherever you are, that is where you must preach, smite and babtize, for verily the Gods have placed you there to be as their slave messengers unto the fulfilling of their words, !..{zadal} nannoooot. And if ye know of any, I say again, any, that are not converted unto our faith, ye must pursue them as the great Hunter-God Zlazbuulog and either convert them, or kill***slidow#*wadd, zootzoot"

This passage is so important that it is written partially in the highly sophisticated sacred/secret-code of the Great Prophet which is a sign of just how serious the Gods want us to take our sacred mission to preachify unto the as-yet unconverted.

And how marvelous the GoodSpell© is to those who receive it. How well have you received it? This has to be measured by how many beings you have brought into the Church. For it is too selfish to be seeking in thy own mind to understand these things, the blessing of spreading Martianism should be enough to anyone who is truly seeking to be obedient to the Gods. These things I say unto you, AMEN.

President Gorgon The Wrinkly: a tribute

Gorgon The Wrinkly passed away recently. It is a very sad occasion for The Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated©. Not only have we lost our beloved president/dictator-beast-for-life, but we have also lost a friend.

During his inspired reign the church has reached many lightyearmarkers and made many inspired directional changes.

The faith of the Martian Church grew considerably under his auspices, through his various revelation-proclamation-decrees including; The Proclamation on Units of Intra-Species Sexually Reproductive Social-Organisms, The Manifesto Destineo©, Hermaphrodite Extermination Order, and Official Declaration on Robot Evolution©. He was also in office to oversee important policy changes such as Robot Ancestry Database Research, and the inspired Amendment to Hermaphrodite Extermination Order; Hermaphrodite Toleration Exhortation, as well as the further development to Secret Martian Ritual, such as S.M.R Express©, and S.M.R3.0© for Robots.

His rise to power punctuated the end of the much complained about Human Hegemony over the Church, and also the end of the poisonous Anti-Reptilian sentiment that was such a hindrance to the work of the Church. Surely the Gods' hands are over all motions of history, and it was according to their will and master plan that the Reptilian Empire Annexed/Occupied so many of the Martian Church's planetary colonies. For surely these events prepared the way for the Gods to raise up Gorgon the Wrinkly to heights in the Church that otherwise would have been denied to him.

As Gorgon put it, "Surely this occasion (the coup that installed him into the Church Presidency) marks a new chapter in the growth and development of the Church. The former Human hegemony has been an obstacle to the Church's progress in many quadrants of the galaxies. And now, the Gods have appointed me as a token of their commitment to all sentient beings that they are to be ruled from a single centralized power structure which will put an end to the tumultuous struggles that mar these galaxies."

Who can forget when the whole of the Martian faithful waited in anticipation to learn the will of the Lords when Gorgon announced the change in temple design from Pyramid style to Underground-Fortress style in preparation for the new developments in Secret Martian Ritual that the Gods wished to reveal to the Church. And when Gorgon announced the new aspects included Human Sacrifice, there were many who's faith was lacking and apostatized from the Church.

But the marvelous plans of the Gods rolled forward and, fortunately, when the revelation was ratified and sustained by the Church the Gods revealed through Gorgon that it had all been a test, and that instead of being used for Human Sacrifice the new Underground-Temple-Fortresses would be gateways into the Martian Heavens. And surely it is so, as evidenced by the large numbers of Church members who have gone into the new Temples and never came back out. After having been to the Martian Heavens who would want to come back?

What a glorious blessing that the faithful have received, while those who were too weak to receive it apostatized and will never receive those blessings, but will be thrust into everlasting blackness and darkness.

Perhaps what Gorgon will best be remembered for is his amazing examples of faith in leadership of the Church through times of crisis. When it was discovered that the Church sponsored Hospitals were being used to illegally harvest Human body parts to be sold to black market occult food stores, Gorgon received a revelation from the Gods about who was responsible. It was of course an Apostate-Organic-Human-Ape-Creature who worked at the Church-Records-Headquarter-Office-Starship, which the Gods told Gorgon to have destroyed. Gorgon's faith was so strong that, even though his own company -Human Carcass Disposal Services Interstellar©- was also located onboard that ship, Gorgon still obeyed the Gods and ordered his private mercenary army to destroy the ship with all aboard.

May we all learn from Gorgon's example and obey the commandments of the Gods unhesitatingly and without question. And may we also grow in faithfulness and obedience to the new Prophet-President/Dictator-For-Life-Beast, Tammuz S. Monsterson. Verily I say unto you Amen.