Elders of the OGSM: Stellarson and Schmultz

Elder Stellarson, a Human-Ape-Creature (the one with brown fur on his head), is the distric leader-beast in the mission district to which Elder Sorenson is assigned. He is proud to come from a long line of Martians, going back to the time of the formation of the Church. He believes in leading by example and trying his best to condescend to the level of his investigators, so that they will know he cares about them. He plays the surf-guitar and has memorized the entire Book of Martian, including the coded portions!

Elder Schmultz (yellow fur headed) is also a Human-Ape-Creature and is working on his memorization. He is excited about being a missionary. He has a strong testimony.

Martian Religious Relics: the holy hand grenade

The holy hand grenade is a Martian Religious Relic invented by Elder Sorenson and Elder Zeek. When in a trance-projection-vision Elder Sorenson was given instructions from Former President Zorg on how to build it. The outer casing was acquired at a local badwill© thriftstore. The inner workings are of curious workmanship, and immensely powerful.

Although he no longer carries it with him, Elder Sorenson asserts he never used the weapon, claiming to have returned it to President Zorg. However there was a report of an incident where a congregation of Glonks belonging to an apostate-heathen-gentile church were blown up by some sort of explosive device, however when local police asked if he was responsible Elder Sorenson said "I think you must be looking for space johos, people get us confused all the time."

Famous Glonks who are Martian Church members

Did you know, that before he went into has permanent coma from eating psychadelic mushrooms the famous Glonk-Wrapper Artificial Flayve had committed himself to babtizm©? That's right, Arty had called about getting a free Book of Martian after seeing one of our famous heart/oil-pump warming ads on his image-box3.0

You too can have a free Book of Martian, just contact your local Martian Missionaries for details.
See you in the pool of babtizm©! Amen

Famous Glonks who are Martian Church members

Did you know that Slim Greens took the Martian Missionary Discussions once? This up-and-coming surf-guitarist is considered one of Outer-Glonkonia's top potential-musicians, and if he thinks it is cool to think about joining the Church then the Church must be pretty cool, huh kids?
That's right, it IS cool. Much cooler than those other stinky cult/poo-poo religions.
Slim Greens also likes the idea of giving money to help charitable foundations... and guess what is the best charitable foundation?... You guessed it, The Martian Church!
So basically Slim Greens believes in Martianism, so you should too. Amen

Follow the Prophets: Follow the OGSM blog... and be saved!

Right now the Outer-Glonkonia Space Mission is running a special...
Sign on as a follower of this blog and be granted a blessing of limited salvation... even without babtizm©! If you sign on as a follower the Elders of the OGSM will perform an ordinance that will seal you up as their servants/handmaids/droid-slaves, which will effectively make a spot for you wherever they go after death. And since they have received babtizm© and the higher SECRET MARTIAN RITUALS they are guaranteed the fulness of Martian salvation. Pretty cool, eh?

The Great Nizlak Worm

The Great Nizlak Worm is one of the many interesting tourist attractions within the bounderies of the Outer-Glonkonia Space Mission.

The Nizlak Worm Eats Planetoids that it captures with its silk web. Glonk-creatures use Nizlak silk to make a very strong fabric.

Many Missionaries in the OGSM wear Nizlak-silk ties, although some Elders in leadership positions consider it to be false doctrine to wear anything but ties made of Polyastro© fabric; Elder Sorenson being the most outspoken in the anti-nizlak-silk-tie camp.

Faith Promoting Q&A's

Because the last FAQ was tainted by faithless heathen-gentilism, The Outer-Glonkonia Space Mission now presents this more perfect Q&A session to make thine understandings of the true doctrines of martianism more pure and faithfull unto the end.

Q) Aren't heathen-gentiles stupid when they don't listen to the Martian Missionaries, have faith in Martianism, repent of their sins, and be babtized?
A) No, unfortunately the situation is even more dire than that. The truth is that the reason they are not able to see the clear truths of Martianism is because their eyes have been blinded by the Satan-Sneakafüsse©. Their only hope to avoid the blinding influence of Satan-Sneakafüsse© is to read the Book of Martian and ponder it in their hearts, and follow the Martian Prophet, and pay their tithing to the Church.

Q) How much does a Book of Martian cost?
A) We want everyone to have the opportunity to read the Book of Martian. You can have one for free if you contact the Martian Missionaries in your area, listen to their discussions, repent of your sins, be babtized, pay your tithing, and follow the prophet.

Q) Is it true that being a member of the Martian Church makes you more successful?
A) Yes! In fact it makes you better in every way; better looking, make more money, happier family life, and best of all you have the peace of mind knowing that you have all the information you need in life, and you don't need to look anywhere else for answers to any of your questions. Martianism takes care of all of the needs that anybody could possibly want. If you wanted more you would be sinning.

Q) Many false churches that I know of say that Robots don't have souls and so they won't let any robots become members of their false churches. What does The Martian Church teach about Robot Salvation?
A) Everyone who is accountable before the Gods is allowed to join The True Church and be saved, if they will repent and be babtized, pay tithing and follow the Prophet. Robots with hardware/software that is compatable with the Martian Doctrines are welcome to apply for membership. The Prophets have defined accountability as "the ability to earn money, and thereby sin. Necessitating the need to pay tithing." In many star systems there are Robots who are free-agent participants in the economy, have jobs, and make money. Those Robots are certainly in need of salvation, and we actively proslyte them. Additionally there are many robots who are involved in sinful practices, and they have the need to repent, and be babtized. Robot babtizm© is one of the unique principles that is a testament to the veracity of Martianism. Also, many Robots are attracted to the doctrine of babtism© for and in behalf of obsolete Robots that were the precedent/ancestors/prototypes of modern Robots.

Q) What about Anti-Martianism? I've heard that they are just evil and unnaturally mean. Is that correct?
A) Yes, sadly, they are motivated by a soul destroying hatred of everything that is good. They try and come across as though they are happy and sincerely are trying to help you, but deep inside they just want you to be miserable like themselves. The Prophets have told us to stay away from Anti-Martians, especially if they are relatives, because Anti-Martianism is like the Space-Zombie-Plague and is highly contagious.

Q) Thank you for all the really wonderful information. I feel very warm in my abdominal cavity/reactor core and feel that Martianism is true. Can I repent and be babtized?
A) Yes, we would love to have you join The Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated and be saved. Contact the Missionaries in your area; you will be very happy you did. Amen

Counterfeit Religions: Space Johos

Space Johos are a false cult/Poo-poo religion. The try and piggy-back on the popularity of the true Martian Religion by dressing like Martian Missionaries. Space Johos do not use the Book of Martian and instead have their own false and stupid book called the Bibliography, or something stupid like that. They will try and steal our investigators and tell them that the only way to understand their false book is to attach a space brain-sucker-leach to their head.
Sometimes Sentient-creatures/robots will confuse Space Johos with our own true missionaries. The way to tell the difference is that Martian Missionaries wear a name badge that clearly identifies them with The Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated. And if/when Space Johos wear similar name tags, the way to tell the difference is that Martian Missionaries carry the Book of Martian, so always ask to see their Book of Martians.
Do not try and preach to Space Johos! They are some of the lowest of the heathen-gentile-creatures, and have been condemned by the Gods to be thrust into the blackness of the Nizlack-Worm's entrails after the great judgement of the galaxies.
The command from Martian Church HeadQuarters is to slay Space Johos whenever you think you can get away with it. For it has been written "Let their blood, whatever color it may be, be shed. For behold, their abominations have kindled mine anger against them. And lo, I shall be with thee. Amen"

FAQ's

• Q) Where did Martianism com from?
• A) The Great Prophet.

• Q) Why is it called "Martianism?"
• A) The name is derived from the Book of Martian; the book translated from tablets on mars by the Great Prophet by the power of the great Peep-Stone.

• Q) Where did the Great Prophet get the tablets to translate? or, How did the Prophet possess tablets from a planet he never visited?
• A) The translation of the tablets was a great miracle. Because he possessed the great Peep-Stone, The Great Prophet did not need to have the tablets in his literal possession in order to translate. That is how powerful the Peep-Stone is.

• Q) What is the name of The Great Prophet?
• A) His name is too holy to utter, it is also forbidden to make any kind of image of The Great Prophet.

• Q) Whenever I read the Book of Martian, it seems like gibberish to me.
• A) That isn't a question! The Book of Martian seems like gibberish to you unrighteous heathen-gentiles because you have impure eyes.

• Q) Why does the Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated not have any presence on the supposedly holy planet of Mars?
• A) Promised Planet is what we call it. The reason we do not have a presence there is because the Satan-Sneakafüsse© stirred up the hearts of the heathen-gentiles to anger and wrath against the Holy Temple-Pyramid of Cydonia, and the Martian Saints were denied access to Mars.

• Q) Why doesn't the Martian Church prosper as well as the Human/Gaian Confederated Systems?
• A) Because the wicked and abominable Human/Gaian Confederated Systems conspire to keep Martianism down! They have also stolen secrets from the secret coded portions of the Book of Martian and that is where their "scientists" get their ideas.

• Q) Why don't Martian Church members use the secret coded portions of the book of martian to develop their own technological infrastructure?
• A) This Q&A session is over! You are clearly a hard-hearted heathen-gentile-beast of impure, filthy mind/program!

President of the Transitional Regime over OGSM >legitimacy disputed<

"Mission President" >name unknown<, a Mega-Glonk, rules over the OGSM with an iron fist, or would if he had fists. His tenticles were cut off during the "First Great Revolutionary Civil War of Space-Mission Secession" by Elder Sorenson.

Very little is known about him, he tries to preserve an aura of mystery around himself, even his name he keeps secret (based on a misunderstanding of Martian Secret Ritual). It is believed that he was the President of a nukular© arms factory before he presided over the OGSM, but this has not been substantiated.

Following the Sorenson led revolt, very few missionaries remain who are willing to swear The Unbreakable Penalty-Oath-of-Fealty to the Mission President, many opting instead to simply sustain Elder Sorenson as Dictator-Assistant-Beast to the Mission President and follow his lead.

Many Missionaries and regular church members have requested that the Martian Church HeadQuarters send a new Mission President to clean up the schismatic confusion and disputations that are rampant within the OGSM. But few have any hope of a timely solution.

Former President Zorg

Zorg was the beloved President of the OGSM when Elder Sorenson first came into the mission. His untimely demise was very disheartening for the whole mission. But he still visits and guides Elder Sorenson in visions.

Elder Sorenson considers himself to be the rightfull heir to the position of Assistant to the Mission President, and has hostile feelings toward what he considers to be the illegitimate regime that has been established over the mission by the new Mission President.

Glonk Specimen

This is a fairly typical specimen of the type of Glonk-Creatures found in Outer-Glonkonia. The Prophets have told us that the Glonk Species is descended primarily from the apostate brothers of Nelph who's skins were turned green when they left the safety of the Holy Dome that Nelph built when they arrived in the Promised Planet of Mars.
There are no Glonks on Mars anymore because they disappeared miraculously by the power of the Gods, which power was so great as to leave not even the slightest trace they have ever been there. That is also why there appears to be no corroborating evidence to validate the Book of Martian. The Prophets have explained that the reason the Glonks have no history of ever inhabiting Mars, or any other planet in the Human Galaxy, is because the Satan-Sneakafüsse© has completely re-written their history to erase any faith promoting knowledge; As is often the case with Heathen Gentile so-called "history."
Glonks are blessed with a special promise that when they repent and become righteous, and follow all the words of the Prophets perfectly, they will become white-skinned-human-ape-creatures again.

The Book of Martian

The Book of Martian is the cornerstone, keystone, and capstone of The Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated. To many of the Martian faith it is the only book they read, as it contains the fullness of all knowledge of the universe. And the complete mind an will of the Gods.
In their infinate wisdom the Gods told the Great Prophet to keep large portions of the text in a highly sophisticated code that only the Prophet could read when he was translating it from the ancient Martian language into human-speak . Thus the sacred truths would be kept out of the hands of the heathen gentiles, and the words of the book would appear to be gibberish to the unclean eyes of the unrighteous. However, some gentiles still read it in secret, even though they deny it, and thus it is responsible for all the progress ever made in the universe, in fact scientists study it secretly and that is where they get their ideas.

Elders Reptor and Galaxos

Elder Reptor, a Reptilian, is a Zone Leader-Beast in the OGSP.

He is a convert to the church. His first contact with the church was when two human missionaries knocked on his door appearing delicious to the taste and very desirable. Reptor's parents subsequently captured the missionaries and put them in a cage so they could be fattened up in preperation for a heathen Reptilian Cult feast. Reptor, at the time only a youngling, would feed the missionaries and would listen to them as they preached. He believed in there words but was unable to be babtized as the missionaries were eaten. It wouldn't be until much later when Reptor served in the Reptilian Military and was involved in an invasion of a human planet that the opportunity came for Reptor to fulfill his dream of converting to Martianism and serving a mission.

Many species harbor Anti-Reptilian sentiment, and this fact sometimes hinders Elder Reptor's missionary success.

His Junior Companion is Elder Galaxos

Elder Galaxos, a Cyborg >species unknown<, was in a terrible saucer crash as a teenager. The Doctors were only able to save his brain and drool glands (His brain was also moderately damaged, and had to be supplimented with computer chips).

Though not very bright or popular with the other missionaries, Elder Galaxos has a "burning testimony" programmed into his computer chips and is very loving and affectionate; especially to elder Zeek.

Anti-Martian Propaganda lies!

Many Anti-Martian writers lay the claim that the great Prophet of Martianism used Covert Hypnosis, Brainwashing and Mind Control in his design of the Martian Church. They base these ridiculous ideas on the rumor that in his early career, before he recieved the translating Peep-Stone, he attempted to start a business called Cerebra-Clean. Even if this were true, which it cannot be proven to be, the Faithful know without a shadow of a doubt that the Prophet's claims of Divine Inspiration are true, they do not listen to those wicked Anti-Martians who would destroy the mighty Temple-Pyramid of Cydonia. The righteous require no evidence of Martianism other than the sweet and good feelings that they get when they read the Book of Martian and listen to the words of the Prophet.

Heil to the Prophet!

Elder Sorenson and Elder Zeek

Elder Sorenson, an Organic-Human-Ape-Creature, is serving a mission for The Church of the Martian Saints Incorporated in the Outer-Glonkonia Space Mission.

A list of his talents would be too long to list here, but he is arguably best known for:

(1)his skill with the zword©, (2)his fiery wrath, (3)his unquenchable zeal, (4)his remarkably high self-esteem, and (5)his natural ability to project his double into the astral dimensions (a great skill indeed).

He aspires to greatness within the OGSM and indeed in the Martian Church in general, and, to his credit, there are many of his peers who believe him to be "the one mighty and strong".

Elder Sorenson's senior companion is Elder Zeek, an albino Neo-Reptillian (Grey). Zeek is considered by many of his peers to be a religious genius. He specializes in Fringe Deep Doctrine, but rarely has the opportunity to pursue his interests because so much of his time is spent supervising Elder Sorenson. Elder Zeek generally tries to be very supportive of Elder Sorenson, while Sorenson considers Zeek to be slightly incompitent and subsequently often tries to take charge.

The Seal Of The Outer-Glonkonia Space Mission

The great seal of the Outer-Glonkonia Space Mission (OGSM for short). Modelled after the hypocephalus buried with the Mummy of the Prophet Nelph, and translated by the power of the great Peep-Stone. The translation being of such a miraculous nature as to defy the logic of even the most ardent sceptics, who despair when attempting to dissuade the faithful. Amen.

It has begun

I am advancing in my personal evolution, and have now ascended to the level of blogger-ape-creature.